I've been on DeviantART for 7 years drawing fairly consistently in that time--working to get better at what I do. Obviously I've been drawing for a lot longer than that, though. My earliest memory of trying to do "artwork" was tracing Nintendo Power covers in 6th or 7th grade and starting a tradition of always drawing SOMETHING on each and every piece of school work. Sometimes I'd make my own "font" for the heading of the work, other time it was drawing something in the margins or drawing a comic on the backside. Teachers usually liked them and I think it made me happy.

The problem is art--specifically drawing--no longer makes me happy. I still do it a lot but it feels like it's more of a force of habit than something I actually want to do. Each and every time I start sketching, without fail, I come out of it completely frustrated and depressed. My goals aren't lofty, I just want to be able to draw in any sort of style comfortably. Cartoony, realistic, semi-cheating, what-have-you...I can't seem to pull anything off. I look back at older work (see old account) and I had more promise and spirit then than I do now! It's like I just regress.

The area all this doesn't apply to is GRAPHIC DESIGN. I get so much enjoyment looking at well designed print ads or posters. I fall in love with the idea of presenting my ideas in those formats and use of typeface. However, I find it incredibly hard to create graphic design work without drawing. It never feels right to rely on stock photography alone and will inevitably lead me to drawing again. Thus the well gets poisoned.

And let's be frank: what most people are interested in is creative "art"--not how well I can put together a poster or work invite. It's fun to me, but probably boring to everyone else. And that's fine, but I'm a creature which craves feedback. I don't work well in the void.

Also, "art" is the only medium I can use to get these damn ideas out of my head--some of which I honestly believe are great ideas if I was ever able to find a way to articulate them. I can't create a webcomic without being able to draw. I can't illustrate a concept. Maybe some of these ghosts in my mind could be exercised via writing, but that skill has atrophied over the years and the walls that housed that once promising talent of mine has turned to dust.


So the question remains. What do you do when your love for something has become black with pain? When it does nothing but hurts you? It's unlikely that after all these years I'll suddenly snap and find my artistic spirit. I've already read lots of books, tried to plug myself into art classes, and "practiced, practiced, practiced". I can't just up and leave DA and put down the pen...but soldiering through is more of an act of torture these last few years.

Do I then just throw myself into graphic design 100%? Chase the happy. But how do you become a successful graphic designer without doing the "art"? And even if, what do I do with my voice? How can I express myself with a brochure or website layout?!

I need an outlet. More so now than ever. It's not just about what makes me happy or sad, it's about finding a way to get things off my chest, to express my opinion, share my thoughts with others. If I can't draw, write, or perform, what's left?


It's just not fun anymore.